Toxic People

I haven't written a blog post on any of my blogs in months! The reason being that I'm pregnant and have had a rough go of it. I started this one, Leftover Casserole, as a diary of sorts. I hadn't had any inspiration to write in it as most of my thoughts and feelings were more suited toward my other blogs that were specifically oriented toward certain subjects; politics, movies, superficial rants, and food (on Instagram). Further, any conflicting personal feelings I had I have been able to discuss them with my husband or my sister and feel a sense of satisfaction or closure with the issue(s).
What I realized is that sometimes I want to plot out my feelings or even just free write about it. That somehow speaking about it doesn't create that deep reflection the way writing about it does.

Since being pregnant I have filtered through many social interactions and relationships with a different lens. My perspective has already changed and I haven't even given birth yet. There were many people in my life that were either negative and/or toxic. I decided that I needed to make hard decisions on who I let in my life because whoever is in my life will be in my baby's life. If these people affect me in ways that does not make me feel good, my daughter, whether directly or indirectly, will surely receive that negativity as well.

Previously, I would keep toxic people in my life and reconcile it because they're family. In other situations, I would egotistically convince myself that I'm doing them some good by staying in their lives. Overall, I did not value myself enough. I thought that having relationships with these people required a sacrifice on my part; that somehow I needed to give up my well-being because social construct "told" me to keep these relationships.

I decided to throw out my perceived social pressures. I evaluated the people in my life and removed toxic people. I thought it was going to be very difficult, both practically and emotionally. It was not. I was surprised at how easy it was and continues to be. I wrap my decision in my motherly instinct to protect my daughter, but a part of me thinks she was just a catalyst to help me value myself more.

I cut out three family members, one friend, and significantly reduced my contact and communication with a fourth family member. That may sound crazy...and maybe it is. But one thing I know is that my mental and emotional health has drastically improved since doing so. I am at peace with my decision.

I could easily list off why those particular people got the ax from my life but that's for another entry. What I am coping with now is filtering out new toxic people. I'm trying not to label people toxic too soon as to give them the benefit of the doubt that they may not be as toxic as I immediately assess them to be. That's not working out very well. My initial assessments of people are accurate. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is leading me into that negativity cesspool. I can see the signs of destruction, yet I still want to believe that I won't be lead into the darkness. That somehow I'm wrong about them and they'll prove it to me! Why do I continue to be slow on the ax? Granted lately it's been much faster. It took all my life to ax my family members and several years to ax my friend. Recently, I have removed one person almost immediately and am trying to figure out how to remove one that entered my life 7 months ago.

Why would I think I would be able to prevent all the negative people from entering my gates? I don't have a magic meter! Right? Or do I? Am I not listening to my instincts enough? Am I hoping too much? Am I somehow holding onto hope that these people are good because I'm afraid I'll cut too many people out and begin to isolate my family?

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I have always been able to assess people quickly, I just haven't made it a habit to use that as a determination of whether I should let them into my life. I guess I never really thought I had that power. The power to create my own sphere. The power to say I don't want you in my life. I thought if they were in my life, there was nothing I could really do about it. With that complacency I think I may have actually facilitated the exact opposite. By not being proactive about limiting or eliminating the relationship, I'm actually cultivating it to grow to become a larger part of my life.

A part of me feels sympathy for these people. I'm sad for them. I wish I could remove their pain. This is the most difficult part of it all. Dealing with reducing and/or eliminating contact with these broken people is tricky because they're already vulnerable. But I need to be realistic. I don't have the power to fix them. If I don't protect myself and my family from them, I may end up broken myself.